Killed By Death: Part II

I was alive. That was first and foremost thing. I was alive and breathing and safe. After some time, Sam helped me get back to camp. It was a long and arduous task, but we made it. I lay in the tent, still struggling to breathe and feeling like I couldn't. I was trying to process what had happened when all of a sudden, I realized that I wasn't dead. I felt like I was in a dream state and I couldn't shake it.The next thing I was succumb to was my inability to burp and I felt like I needed to really bad. I called for Sam and told him that I couldn't burp and that I needed something with carbonation in it. So he fetched me a root beer and I downed about half the bottle and waited.After a few moments, I felt it coming. That long awaited burp, but I could tell it wasn't coming up by itself, so I leapt from the tent and ran into a small wooded area and let loose with the vomit. Pond water, little parasites, twigs and leaves. Yes, it all came out two massive heaves and when it was over, I sat back and took in what had happened. I almost died.Three Weeks Later.A week after my ordeal, I was back at work. I didn't tell that many people about what had happened and I was okay with that. I went about life as if nothing had happened, but things weren't the same. Nothing seemed real.For so long I would go through these trials that seemed like they were consuming my life. They were turmoil and looking back on it, it was definitely Satan. I felt depressed and worthless and there were even times when I felt like living was too much to handle, but still I pressed forward. I always told myself that living in the world was the hardest thing, but thats what I told other people.I remember clearly one day, I was at work and my boss sent me on an errand that required me to drive across the street to another building. As I got back in my car, I pulled to the stop sign at the intersection and prepared to cross. Coming down the street was a semi-trailer truck. I eased on the brakes, contemplating if I could make it across or not, and decided to wait.This day was different than a lot of others in the weeks after my near death experience. I wasn't going through any turmoil. I wasn't going through any stress. Things were great. By all accounts, I was happy and that was rare. It was so rare, I sought desperately to preserve it and in the midst of everything that happened, for a split moment I had a thought. I looked down at my feet and at the pedals and as the truck approached, I briefly considered putting my foot down on the gas.It was the first and last moment of its kind and it left me feeling a little broken on the inside. I'd faced off with death and won and now for a split second the enemy crept into my peace and planted a bitter seed of suicide. I left work that day and consulted my Bible. How did I survive and now I felt this incredible uneasy feeling with my survival.Death had a way of waking me from my peace and reminding me that I was just as capable of dying as the next person. I found myself in the kitchen. I was washing dishes and I cried out to God. What was wrong with me? I asked God to show his face to me. To place his healing hand upon me. I asked for his guidance. I asked that he lead me from the darkness in my heart. I asked God to give me clarity and finally I asked, "God, when will this be over? When will I be okay again?" and just then I noticed a bubble rise from the suds in the sink. As it rose, my eyes focused in on it. It was a lone bubble and as it reached eye level, it steadied. I continued to focus on the bubble until all at once it popped. My vision immediately refocused and the wall behind the sink came into focus. Hanging there was a sign that had been there all along.God reminded me that "life is good". That I had nothing to worry about. For where I lack, he has plentiful. It was a testament to his love and I remembered that I already knew that. Sometimes we find ourselves in impossible situations and rarely do we reach out for help. Not many people are as lucky as I am, but I'm reminded that we serve a God that never leaves us behind. While we struggle in the storm, he sees that storm from a different perspective, one that we can't see. I walked away from a clean kitchen with a clean heart and knowledge that His love is perfect. If God is for us, nothing can be against us.Stay Victorious My Friends.If you know someone that struggles with depression and/or suicide, get them the help they need. Contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255.