Part I: The Longest Week Ever
I’ve often found myself subject to weeks that felt like they were lasting a million years, but this one was especially trying. For the better part of a week, I found myself in a very dark place. A place with little hope and no apparent end in sight. During this time, I allowed myself to be subject to the pull of the darkness, and it sent me into an epic and crippling depression. Towards the end of the week, I felt like things were getting better. I decided to be intentional about my choices and change my perspective on the way I saw things––and you wanna know what––it helped. It helped me to see the better side of things…the better side of life.
Sometimes I forget that I am not in control over my life. Sometimes I forget that God is ultimately in control over my life. The Bible says that he has plans to prosper me and plans for a good future. When things don’t make sense to me, I have a way of dressing the world in rationale to cover up the ugliness, even in my own life.
Today I woke up and I wasn’t feeling my best. The thoughts that sent me hurling into depression were back…with a vengeance. The feeling was so overwhelming that it was hard for me to even get out of the bed. I have never felt so helpless and hopeless all at the same time. I had great reticence about sharing this, but I felt it was prudent to express the emotions that are on the inside lest they influence the outside. I understand that being open can often have an ameliorating effect on the human experience.
I was alone and lost in my thoughts, and I had no motivation to get out of bed, but I knew three things:
- Assumption One: God is ultimately in control.
- Assumption Two: Greif is the perception of our own shortcomings.
- Assumption Three: God wants to carry our griefs and burdens.
I prayed to God, asking him to relieve me of the feelings of depression. I begged for happiness and an absolution. Connecting with God seemed to be the only way I could get relief from the way I was feeling and the harder I prayed, the stronger I felt. God has already saved me in so many ways, and he continues to save me––every day.
I’m thankful for this life, but often I struggle with the fact that I’m not perfect. I struggle with my proximity to the broken parts of my life. I struggle with accepting that I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness––and to that end, I want to strive to live a full or more blessed life.
Part II: Being Stronger at the Broken Places
When bones break, they heal or remodel through a process called ossification. For a short time after this process occurs, the bone is considerably stronger at the site of the fracture. Stronger at the broken places.
Today was rough, and I spent the day exploring my feelings, seeking God, and trying to understand the root of my emotions. Although I didn’t make as much headway as I would have liked, I made a few revelations that allowed me to pull myself up and move.
Emotions are stronger than what many people, including me, give them credit for. For me, I tend to rationalize most things, and for the things, I can’t understand I over rationalize. I recognize that over rationalization can run counter to the tenets of the Christian faith, but faith is one of the strongest parts of my life.
There are places in my life that have been broken for a long time and those are the parts of my life that I desperately want to fix. I’m working on coming back from that dark place. I’m working on growing stronger in my faith and discerning what things in my life are strictly necessary in the sense that not all things are good for you despite the benefit we find in them. I’m working on not allowing my surroundings to influence my life negatively. I’m working on removing from my life, as best I can, the things and people that cause me to sink to lows like I experienced this week. So, here’s to better days.