I was alive. That was first and foremost thing. I was alive and breathing and safe. After some time, Sam helped me get back to camp. It was a long and arduous task, but we made it. I lay in the tent, still struggling to breathe and feeling like I couldn’t. I was trying to process what had happened when all of a sudden, I realized that I wasn’t dead. I felt like I was in a dream state and I couldn’t shake it.
The next thing I was succumb to was my inability to burp and I felt like I needed to really bad. I called for Sam and told him that I couldn’t burp and that I needed something with carbonation in it. So he fetched me a root beer and I downed about half the bottle and waited.
After a few moments, I felt it coming. That long awaited burp, but I could tell it wasn’t coming up by itself, so I leapt from the tent and ran into a small wooded area and let loose with the vomit. Pond water, little parasites, twigs and leaves. Yes, it all came out two massive heaves and when it was over, I sat back and took in what had happened. I almost died.
Three Weeks Later.
A week after my ordeal, I was back at work. I didn’t tell that many people about what had happened and I was okay with that. I went about life as if nothing had happened, but things weren’t the same. Nothing seemed real.
For so long I would go through these trials that seemed like they were consuming my life. They were turmoil and looking back on it, it was definitely Satan. I felt depressed and worthless and there were even times when I felt like living was too much to handle, but still I pressed forward. I always told myself that living in the world was the hardest thing, but thats what I told other people.
I remember clearly one day, I was at work and my boss sent me on an errand that required me to drive across the street to another building. As I got back in my car, I pulled to the stop sign at the intersection and prepared to cross. Coming down the street was a semi-trailer truck. I eased on the brakes, contemplating if I could make it across or not, and decided to wait.
This day was different than a lot of others in the weeks after my near death experience. I wasn’t going through any turmoil. I wasn’t going through any stress. Things were great. By all accounts, I was happy and that was rare. It was so rare, I sought desperately to preserve it and in the midst of everything that happened, for a split moment I had a thought. I looked down at my feet and at the pedals and as the truck approached, I briefly considered putting my foot down on the gas.
It was the first and last moment of its kind and it left me feeling a little broken on the inside. I’d faced off with death and won and now for a split second the enemy crept into my peace and planted a bitter seed of suicide. I left work that day and consulted my Bible. How did I survive and now I felt this incredible uneasy feeling with my survival.
Death had a way of waking me from my peace and reminding me that I was just as capable of dying as the next person. I found myself in the kitchen. I was washing dishes and I cried out to God. What was wrong with me? I asked God to show his face to me. To place his healing hand upon me. I asked for his guidance. I asked that he lead me from the darkness in my heart. I asked God to give me clarity and finally I asked, “God, when will this be over? When will I be okay again?” and just then I noticed a bubble rise from the suds in the sink. As it rose, my eyes focused in on it. It was a lone bubble and as it reached eye level, it steadied. I continued to focus on the bubble until all at once it popped. My vision immediately refocused and the wall behind the sink came into focus. Hanging there was a sign that had been there all along.
God reminded me that “life is good”. That I had nothing to worry about. For where I lack, he has plentiful. It was a testament to his love and I remembered that I already knew that. Sometimes we find ourselves in impossible situations and rarely do we reach out for help. Not many people are as lucky as I am, but I’m reminded that we serve a God that never leaves us behind. While we struggle in the storm, he sees that storm from a different perspective, one that we can’t see. I walked away from a clean kitchen with a clean heart and knowledge that His love is perfect. If God is for us, nothing can be against us.
Stay Victorious My Friends.
If you know someone that struggles with depression and/or suicide, get them the help they need. Contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255.