The Coming of Age

In high school I was the nice guy. The smart one. The most outgoing one. The vice president. The editor-in-chief. The loyal one. The dependable one. I looked out for my brothers and I had an undeniable sense of home. 
In college. I became the mean guy. The rude one. The most depraved one. The president. The director. The insidious one. The vapid one. I looked out for myself and crushed anyone who stood in my way. 
I’ve always noticed my disconnect with God and with my friends and it shows in the people who are attracted to me and who choose to hang out with me. If it’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being lukewarm. I’m good at saying the right thing. I’m good at modeling the right thing, but I’m not good at being the right thing. I say what people want to hear and I show what people want to see but that isn’t who I am…or at least it’s not who I want to be. If I died at this exact moment I honestly don’t know where my soul would go and frankly the idea of not even knowing scares the hell out of me. And if I died and if through some sheer chance you’re allowed back to see how people saw you off out of this world, I would shutter at the lies they might eulogized me with. 
There are people in this world who don’t care about Jesus or his sacrifice, there are people who know nothing of it and there are people like me who know and don’t respect it. There’s something to be said about the difference of knowing what’s right and choosing what’s wrong and choosing wrong, never knowing what’s right. 
Look at me. I indulge in sin and try and fool myself into thinking it’s fun. Sin doesn’t always hurt us. So, ergo if it can’t hurt us then it can’t be all bad. Wrong. I feel the pain and it may not present itself as a physical pain, but I still feel it nonetheless and I think that’s a good sign because I’m sure there are people out there who honestly don’t feel it.
I am, however, certain of five things. 
1) I want to see so many people fall on their knees before God and thank him for the life they get to live and blessings he provides. 
2) I don’t want to live ashamed of my faith and what I believe. 
3) I don’t want live in sin and tell myself how much I hate it and never really do anything about it. 
4) I only want to surround myself with people who want the same things out of life as I do.
5) I want to live fully committed to God, the will He has for my life and the purpose He sat aside for me. 
Most of the time I’ve chosen the wrong path because I feel there’s so much muck in my life that I don’t deserve better. I feel like I can’t actually turn my life around. That no one would believe that I was capable of change. Well that’s not true because someone once told me that if I wanted people to see the changes I profess to make, then I would need to be a person so different that no one would recognize me.
I don’t know want to be the fake Christian and who picks and chooses when he’ll be good or the indecisive Christian who can’t decide when he wants to own up to responsibility or the careless Christian who thinks that just because he knows of God and drops the occasional “#blessed” then his place in the kingdom will be secure.

Many people see me as a great guy, a fun guy, a dependable guy, but those same people also see the darkness that lives in me and the ones that don’t see the darkness aren’t looking hard enough. I want to be a stand up guy, loved by many and feared by none. And when I die and they eulogized me I want them to confidently speak the undeniable truth of the man I was and the man I became. 
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